Today was, boring with the capital B. Sigh. I think my clique is getting really awkward. We are running out of topics to talk about. The lessons today were boring too. Especially math. Jamie and I were falling asleep. Not that my teacher was boring or bad at teaching, the topic she was teaching was really really really boring. And since I am in a bored mood I shall write a boring post. Just kidding, but seriously... Speaking of tired, I sick and tired of being afraid to go for basketball training...-_____- Maybe I should seriously quit basketball and join choir. After all, I've always have a passion for singing. From the moment I started high school, I've been DYING to join choir. Well, it was a co-curricular activity for losers and not many people want to join it. My senior from basketball was begging me to join basketball at that time. She was always pestering me. I always feel very bad after rejecting people so I agreed to join the team. Turns out it was the biggest mistake of my life. I never knew the people in basketball were so...so...I really do not know how to explain what they're like...Maybe hardcore? But in a bad way. They were trying many ways to be the teacher-in-charge's favourite and he was Mr Sham. He was my second favourite teacher. My first was Mrs Seet who taught us language arts. She gone to another school. I guess hearing about that was one of the saddest moments in my life. Firstly, she was an inspiring teacher, her lessons were never boring. Secondly, I didn't get to say goodbye to her because I was absent on the last day of school! URGH! Now ALL my teachers are boring. I know I have no rights to say that and I was mean, but isn't a teacher's job to inspire students and make sure they learn something? Well, I am learning nothing this year. I've been failing my exams! I can't even cry when I saw how badly I did. And what's worse than hating a teacher? Having a teacher hate you. Yeah, Mr Sham hates me. I guess most basketballers are happy to know about this, cause I pretty sure they hate me too. Well, I don't like them either and I know they dislike me very much. I was friends with some of them and was very close to them in my first year of high school. We trained hard everyday, cried together, laugh together. Then our year end school holidays started. My family has this 'tradition' of going back to Malaysia and stay at my grandparents' house. My mum is a Malaysian Chinese and so am I, although I'm not Chinese, I was born there. So I had no choice but to follow my mum right? She has problems to settle in Malaysia. That time, my uncle was getting ready to marry a British lady called Susan (my family is really international, I have relatives who married Indians, Thais and Europeans). We (the younger ones) call her Auntie Sue. My mum was preparing for his wedding in Malaysia. She went around searching for a suitable bridal studio for Auntie Sue. She even had to find a suitable wedding location. Chinese normally have their weddings held in restaurants. So for the whole of December, I was overseas. And I can back on the second last week of December. So what did I do for the last two weeks? Stayed at home of course. Mum wouldn't let me attend training. And my uncle and Auntie Sue came to visit us, including some relatives from Malaysia. I received a message from my fellow teammate and classmate, Calista that Mr Sham is angry with me and might kick me out of the team. And she even told me she was off the team because of her injury. Having a teacher and all your teammates hate you is bad enough and now your closest friend in basketball is leaving? I feel really lonely and scared all of the sudden. When I went back to school, Mr Sham chided me. He told me that I could at least informed him that I will not be coming for training. When I resumed my training, I realized that people aren't really willing to talk to me and I felt very awkward around them, like as if they dislike me. Then I told myself that's impossible, we were so close, why would they dislike me? So not long after school reopens, I had shin splints. Really bad ones. Took me 1 month to recover from them. I couldn't even walk properly! My mum knew about my injury and told me to quit basketball. I told her I won't because no other CCAs will accept me into their teams, and another reason was I didn't know how I should tell this to Mr Sham. My mum told me not to go for training and to come back home immediately after school until I recover. I really had no choice, I can't disobey my mum can I? Cause the more I disagree, the more she insists on me quitting basketball( I was getting to muscular that time and getting home very late, this irritated my mum.) I have been missing out on a lot of training. After I went back to training, things started to get worse. People wouldn't talk to me. Mr Sham wouldn't talk to me. I had no friends and the coach was really biased towards other members and likes to scold me. My seniors and teammates like to complain behind my back without even knowing the reason why I actually skipped training. The meanest thing they did was to say that I purposely extended my medical certificate just to skip more training! HELLO!!!??? I've been literally LIMPING for one month!!! I've even gone through the trouble to go for an X-ray just to see if I had a broken bone! And thanks a lot for telling Mr Sham I wasn't serious about joining this CCA and telling others I joined it for popularity! THANKS A LOT! And this year's June holidays, My uncle was having his wedding in Malaysia. I had to attend it of course. And my mum decided that she will only come back on the last week of the holiday. Now, I'm here fearful of what Mr Sham is going to say to me this Saturday during training. And I don't think I'm at fault. I even informed him that I won't be going for training! So why the fuck( if i swear when I write, I must be really angry) are you even angry with me when I have very good excuse for not coming for training? You want me to turn into a rebellious teen and hurt my mum? I think my mum has suffered enough in her life okay! She attempted suicide when I was 12!!! I was fucking 12! And most 12-year-olds in Singapore were taking their first major examination ever, which was PSLE, and this determines their lives! It determines whether you'll get into a good high school or not, whether you're gonna get a good job in the future. Luckily, my mum was still alive. But then she was sent to a fucking mental ward! She was diagnosed with depression. It hurts me so much to see her cry everyday saying how much she misses me, my brother and my baby sister ( I had a fucking baby sister and she was only 1!). I was really afraid to see her because I really thought she was mentally unstable...And why did she do this? Cause she found out my dad has an affair, and she already knew this when I was 8 or 9, I can't remember. And when I called my dad to tell him that my mum has swallowed pills and wouldn't wake up, he didn't fucking sounded like he cared!!! Okay, I'm crying now as I'm writing this. When I had to leave school to visit her, I had to LIE to my teachers that my mum fell down and injured her leg. I didn't even know how I should lie to my teacher! I clearly remember that on that day, my eyes were swollen and puffy because the previous night I had to cry myself to sleep thinking that I would lose my mum. I had to put my emotions aside and concentrate on studying for my first major exam. Screw impossibility, I was top 5th PSLE scorer in my school, straight As and the ones who scored higher than me were boys( so I was the highest female scorer in my school). I bet if I were to tell Mr Sham and my team members this, they wouldn't believe me. Let me tell you what is currently happening to me:
- Because of me attending basketball, my mum and I have been arguing non-stop. Thanks for ruining our kinship.
- My colitis worsened. It's an illness which a person's large intestine is swollen. My belly was often bloated and I suffered from abdominal pains.( I had this condition when I was 6. It stopped and I got it back at 10. I had bloody diarrhea, vomit 5 times a day, suffered from acute abdominal pain for days and weeks. And this still happens until now)
- I am losing my appetite and vomiting in the middle of the night.
- I'm so afraid of Mr Sham that whenever I see him, I pretend I did not. And I think he's avoiding me too. Whatever, one day he's gonna realize he was a failure as a teacher. Nice students ya got there.
To all those who gossiped about me, well, I'm really honored that I could entertain you guys. Thanks to you, I've learnt to not trust people that easily, I've learnt to be more confident, I know what I really want now, and this time I will learn to say
NO.
So, I shall go for training and see if I should continue torturing myself by attending training or I shall follow my dreams and join choir. Saturday shall decide my future. NO, I will decide my future, MYSELF...
PEACE OUT! :)
