Who I Am

I want someone to love me, for who I am.

I want someone to need me, is that so bad?

This is a song by Nick Jonas. When I first listened to it, I didn't really find it nice or anything. Sorry for not blogging for a super looooooong time. I'm just busy, stressed, and bored and mostly lazy...hehe^^ Why am I blogging today? Well, I quit basketball today. Not officially, but will soon, as soon as Mr Sham signs my CCA withdrawal form. I know I should be really happy because I'm finally freed from hell. But...I don't know why I felt disheartened and disappointed. I was tearing on my way home on the bus. I covered my face embarrassingly and told myself to stop crying. But I when I thought of what happened, tears would automatically come out. So here's what happened, Mr Sham told some of us to see him. The reason was because we did not reply whether we were agreeable to the change in timing for tomorrow's training. He scolded us and then looked me in the face and ask me if I was still interested in basketball. I told him I was but my mum wasn't happy with me for being in this CCA. He told me that this is a problem that I can't solve and that I am only wasting my own time in basketball. He told me he would gladly let me leave. Man, I did not know how I felt at that time. Really Mr Sham? Really? Fine then, I shall happily accept the fact that I have always been unwanted and not needed in the team. I also accept the fact that I have been training hard for nothing. You know what? The teacher-in-charge of choir announced that the choir is short of members. I know I am NEEDED by the choir. And thanks to Nick Jonas, I know I'm not meant to be in the basketball team, I now know who I am, I am a singer. (Yeah, I can sing. No, really I can...Maybe I should upload an audio file of me singing next time...thanks for tolerating my ranting and shit) 

Now, ENJOY THE MUSIC! (click the video!!! :D) 

Peace out suckers!!!!

The day that I regain my happiness will be the day I leave you.

No, no , no...this is not going to be a post about romance or whatever. IT'S FOR MY HATERS!!!! Yeah, the day I quit basketball will be the day I make this blog known to all of you! Cause I want to let everyone in the WORLD know what losers you guys were. Oh I'm sorry, you wanna complain to Mr Sham? Well, please do so. I don't think it's the first time you guys mistreat your own teammates. I know you want me eliminated so Mr sham will have one less person to share his 'love'. Seriously? I think most, MOST of you are training hard just to get Mr Sham to favor you( I said most cause some people really treated me sincerely). Calista was telling me that I am suitable for track. She says that people think I have very nice toned legs. HELL YEAH I DO! Why am I even wasting my time in basketball? I should join something that appreciates me more. Did I say I wanted to join choir on my last post? Well, HELL NAW! There's this girl...what am I doing? I should be telling the whole world her name right? It's not like it's a bad thing saying her name, there are more than one 'Heather's in the world...yes, her name is Heather. I thought she was like some really cool girl with this "I am awesome" aura. That kind of person that will be fun to be friends with. Well, I'm really bad at judging people. Why do I always think that everyone in this world are nice people? Hilary is really good at telling if someone is good or bad. During our school trip to Kualar Lumpur, Hilary was my 'buddy' for the whole trip because my closest friend, Allison had to split up with me. And it's not my fault my name wasn't spell with an 'a' okay! Why wasn't your name Tallison or something? This way we wouldn't have been split us up! :P Anyways the trip was really fun and Hilary and I couldn't stop laughing all the time on the bus. I think I became a lot closer with Hilary. :) That's good, I have one more friend! On the last day of our trip, Hilary and I went to the toilet together( During the trip, I peed a lot more than usual) and when we came out we say Heather walking to the toilet with her friend. Hilary saw her and said 'bitch' immediately. I turned around and asked who, Hilary told me that girl over there. 'Heather?' Hilary nodded. I was so amused I asked her why she called her that. Then she said,'didn't you see the way she walked?' and Hilary flipped her hair and strutted. LOL! People call Heather a 'Gossip Queen' cause she gossips all the time. Yeah, heard that she gossips about me. So this is why I'm not joining choir. I don't wanna see that face of yours. And no, you are not pretty, I'm serious. Stop acting like the world loves you cause we don't. I don't know if you'll ever get a boyfriend. If you're still single maybe you can call me, I can recommend a few for you but I rather you not call me, I don't even wanna hear your voice. Oh and I have some pictures from the trip, here they are:

 

Tired.

Today was, boring with the capital B. Sigh. I think my clique is getting really awkward. We are running out of topics to talk about. The lessons today were boring too. Especially math. Jamie and I were falling asleep. Not that my teacher was boring or bad at teaching, the topic she was teaching was really really really boring. And since I am in a bored mood I shall write a boring post. Just kidding, but seriously... Speaking of tired, I sick and tired of being afraid to go for basketball training...-_____- Maybe I should seriously quit basketball and join choir. After all, I've always have a passion for singing. From the moment I started high school, I've been DYING to join choir. Well, it was a co-curricular activity for losers and not many people want to join it. My senior from basketball was begging me to join basketball at that time. She was always pestering me. I always feel very bad after rejecting people so I agreed to join the team. Turns out it was the biggest mistake of my life. I never knew the people in basketball were so...so...I really do not know how to explain what they're like...Maybe hardcore? But in a bad way. They were trying many ways to be the teacher-in-charge's favourite and he was Mr Sham. He was my second favourite teacher. My first was Mrs Seet who taught us language arts. She gone to another school. I guess hearing about that was one of the saddest moments in my life. Firstly, she was an inspiring teacher, her lessons were never boring. Secondly, I didn't get to say goodbye to her because I was absent on the last day of school! URGH! Now ALL my teachers are boring. I know I have no rights to say that and I was mean, but isn't a teacher's job to inspire students and make sure they learn something? Well, I am learning nothing this year. I've been failing my exams! I can't even cry when I saw how badly I did. And what's worse than hating a teacher? Having a teacher hate you. Yeah, Mr Sham hates me. I guess most basketballers are happy to know about this, cause I pretty sure they hate me too. Well, I don't like them either and I know they dislike me very much. I was friends with some of them and was very close to them in my first year of high school. We trained hard everyday, cried together, laugh together. Then our year end school holidays started. My family has this 'tradition' of going back to Malaysia and stay at my grandparents' house. My mum is a Malaysian Chinese and so am I, although I'm not Chinese, I was born there. So I had no choice but to follow my mum right? She has problems to settle in Malaysia. That time, my uncle was getting ready to marry a British lady called Susan (my family is really international, I have relatives who married Indians, Thais and Europeans). We (the younger ones) call her Auntie Sue. My mum was preparing for his wedding in Malaysia. She went around searching for a suitable bridal studio for Auntie Sue. She even had to find a suitable wedding location. Chinese normally have their weddings held in restaurants. So for the whole of December, I was overseas. And I can back on the second last week of December. So what did I do for the last two weeks? Stayed at home of course. Mum wouldn't let me attend training. And my uncle and Auntie Sue came to visit us, including some relatives from Malaysia. I received a message from my fellow teammate and classmate, Calista that Mr Sham is angry with me and might kick me out of the team. And she even told me she was off the team because of her injury. Having a teacher and all your teammates hate you is bad enough and now your closest friend in basketball is leaving? I feel really lonely and scared all of the sudden. When I went back to school, Mr Sham chided me. He told me that I could at least informed him that I will not be coming for training. When I resumed my training, I realized that people aren't really willing to talk to me and I felt very awkward around them, like as if they dislike me. Then I told myself that's impossible, we were so close, why would they dislike me? So not long after school reopens, I had shin splints. Really bad ones. Took me 1 month to recover from them. I couldn't even walk properly! My mum knew about my injury and told me to quit basketball. I told her I won't because no other CCAs will accept me into their teams, and another reason was I didn't know how I should tell this to Mr Sham. My mum told me not to go for training and to come back home immediately after school until I recover. I really had no choice, I can't disobey my mum can I? Cause the more I disagree, the more she insists on me quitting basketball( I was getting to muscular that time and getting home very late, this irritated my mum.) I have been missing out on a lot of training. After I went back to training, things started to get worse. People wouldn't talk to me. Mr Sham wouldn't talk to me. I had no friends and the coach was really biased towards other members and likes to scold me. My seniors and teammates like to complain behind my back without even knowing the reason why I actually skipped training. The meanest thing they did was to say that I purposely extended my medical certificate just to skip more training! HELLO!!!??? I've been literally LIMPING for one month!!! I've even gone through the trouble to go for an X-ray just to see if I had a broken bone! And thanks a lot for telling Mr Sham I wasn't serious about joining this CCA and telling others I joined it for popularity! THANKS A LOT! And this year's June holidays, My uncle was having his wedding in Malaysia. I had to attend it of course. And my mum decided that she will only come back on the last week of the holiday. Now, I'm here fearful of what Mr Sham is going to say to me this Saturday during training. And I don't think I'm at fault. I even informed him that I won't be going for training! So why the fuck( if i swear when I write, I must be really angry) are you even angry with me when I have very good excuse for not coming for training? You want me to turn into a rebellious teen and hurt my mum? I think my mum has suffered enough in her life okay! She attempted suicide when I was 12!!! I was fucking 12! And most 12-year-olds in Singapore were taking their first major examination ever, which was PSLE, and this determines their lives! It determines whether you'll get into a good high school or not, whether you're gonna get a good job in the future. Luckily, my mum was still alive. But then she was sent to a fucking mental ward! She was diagnosed with depression. It hurts me so much to see her cry everyday saying how much she misses me, my brother and my baby sister ( I had a fucking baby sister and she was only 1!). I was really afraid to see her because I really thought she was mentally unstable...And why did she do this? Cause she found out my dad has an affair, and she already knew this when I was 8 or 9, I can't remember. And when I called my dad to tell him that my mum has swallowed pills and wouldn't wake up, he didn't fucking sounded like he cared!!! Okay, I'm crying now as I'm writing this. When I had to leave school to visit her, I had to LIE to my teachers that my mum fell down and injured her leg. I didn't even know how I should lie to my teacher! I clearly remember that on that day, my eyes were swollen and puffy because the previous night I had to cry myself to sleep thinking that I would lose my mum. I had to put my emotions aside and concentrate on studying for my first major exam. Screw impossibility, I was top 5th PSLE scorer in my school, straight As and the ones who scored higher than me were boys( so I was the highest female scorer in my school). I bet if I were to tell Mr Sham and my team members this, they wouldn't believe me. Let me tell you what is currently happening to me:

• Because of me attending basketball, my mum and I have been arguing non-stop. Thanks for ruining our kinship.
• My colitis worsened. It's an illness which a person's large intestine is swollen. My belly was often bloated and I suffered from abdominal pains.( I had this condition when I was 6. It stopped and I got it back at 10. I had bloody diarrhea, vomit 5 times a day, suffered from acute abdominal pain for days and weeks. And this still happens until now) 
• I am losing my appetite and vomiting in the middle of the night. 
• I'm so afraid of Mr Sham that whenever I see him, I pretend I did not. And I think he's avoiding me too. Whatever, one day he's gonna realize he was a failure as a teacher. Nice students ya got there. 

To all those who gossiped about me, well, I'm really honored that I could entertain you guys. Thanks to you, I've learnt to not trust people that easily, I've learnt to be more confident, I know what I really want now, and this time I will learn to say 

NO. 

So, I shall go for training and see if I should continue torturing myself by attending training or I shall follow my dreams and join choir. Saturday shall decide my future. NO, I will decide my future, MYSELF...

PEACE OUT! :)

Fake or real?

Today was quite a weird day. My friends and I were discussing about plastic surgery. What a weird topic... At first, I was showing my friend, Hilary a music video of 2NE1's Park Bom's solo single. My other friend, Allison came over to see what we were watching. Allison said that the girls in 2NE1 are quite pretty, especially Park Bom and CL. Well, my favourite member is CL. (Maybe I should do a member profile on 2NE1 and Boyfriend someday... :)

So as we were watching, Hilary suddenly asked me, "Did Bom undergo plastic surgery?" I didn't know what to answer. I mean Bom was Hilary's favourite member of 2NE1, it would sadden her to know that her favourite member is 'fake'. Nowadays, many girls undergo plastic surgery to become prettier and stuff. Hilary hated this kind of people. I mean, I'm okay with these people as long as they admit that they had undergo surgery. So are girls who went through cosmetic surgery 'fake'? It's up to you to decide. Some people will say that going for surgery is just to make yourself look better, there's nothing wrong with wanting to look good. Others might say that plastic surgery is an unnatural thing, and by doing it you are not accepting who you are. For me, I think all girls are pretty. Just as the saying goes, 'there is no ugly girls, just lazy girls. If girls were to take the time to doll themselves up by wearing make up, nice clothes, they'll look really pretty. But to me, girls who are confident and strong spirited are the most beautiful. I'd rather someone love me for me than how I look like.

You are beautiful, not matter what they say.

Words can't bring you down.

On my way home, I decided to do little more research on Park Bom. I realized that she still look pretty much alike before and after surgery. Her nose was still the same. Her double eyelids are bigger now, her face became sharper and slimmer. She had cheek implants or chin implants or she did something to her jawline to stop her face from swelling. Yes, Bom had a medical condition that makes her face very bloated. I guess she did something to change her face shape. She also had eyelid surgery. I guess it doesn't really make a difference whether she goes for eyelid surgery because there's such thing as an eyelid sticker. Here are some pictures of Bom, I guess beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. I think she's still beautiful before or after surgery because she has a very cute and well liked personality and plus, she is really talented!!! She has a super unique and husky like voice. Should listen to her two solo singles, 'Don't Cry' and 'You and I'. GO BOM! Or should I say BOM FIGHTING(a custom kpop artists and kpop fans follow)!! And I seriously CANNOT wait for 2NE1's new album! Bet it's gonna awesome!!!

Bom before surgery

Bom after surgery

As you can see her face shape changed a lot, her eyelids became bigger. Her nose is still the same, her lips are still as pretty so yeah...but I'm still gonna like her! :)